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  • Jamila Wardak

Depresso Expresso 2020

Updated: Aug 12

2020 suuuucks so far and this lockdown has been particularly hard on extroverts with multiple mental health disorders like me. I don’t really mind talking about things like this because I know that I am not alone and I am continuing to get the help I need to be okay. However, I love throwing myself at every opportunity with work and school just to avoid what’s really going on inside, and it has worked pretty well for me so far. Let’s just say with this lockdown I’ve had way too much time on my hands and not enough motivation or human interaction to keep myself off the edge.

I hate to admit it but my eating disorder has come back stronger and angrier than ever before. I have enough time to do a full examination of my body twice a day in the mirror, pick at every little flaw and spend countless hours on Instagram unintentionally comparing myself to Instagrammers like MelGfit and AnaCheri on a daily basis. It also doesn’t help that my parents have a scale in both bathrooms. I had to throw mine out because I would obsess over that stupid thing so much. I am struggling to eat a proper fucking meal and have to be talked to and begged by my mother to eat. I scared the fuck out of her after I woke up screaming trying to get myself out of the intense sleep paralysis I was fighting. I felt like my soul had left my body and I had fainted in my sleep. I don’t know what caused it exactly but how miraculously I recovered after being force-fed some eggs and toast is truly eye-opening. I am usually really good about eating when I’m at home in LB. Even though I smoked a lot I would always control how much I ate and love cooking my own meals. Being around other people at work put me in a completely different mindset. I have lost all motivation and desire to do anything these days including eating a damn meal.

I am seeing a new therapist whom I actually really enjoy talking to. Her specialties are eating disorders and trauma which is oddly specific to what I needed help with. She told me that I need to stop smoking so that I can teach myself how to eat mindfully. Truth is I have been smoking weed since freshman year of college because of this eating disorder bullshit but it has helped me so much over the years I can’t even say that I regret it. I can see why she wants me to try and push myself away from it though. I can’t be dependent on weed my entire life. I tried going off of it cold turkey but that’s where some of the problems really escalated. After that terrible night, I have been taking one or two baby hits of my pen before eating. It’s way less than the usual and I this way I eat more than three bites before getting completely disgusted with myself. When you’re high you give fewer fucks in the moment and regret it later when it’s too late anyway. I also want to enjoy dinner with the fam so bad that it’s worth it.

I couldn’t do anything on my birthday this year..yeah I’m one of the unlucky sons of bitches who had to endure a pitiful quarantine birthday. I am grateful that I was able to have a “social distancing lunch” with two of my best friends I wouldn’t have been able to see if this wasn’t happening at all but honestly it fucking sucked. I would have given anything to be able to sit face to face at Sala Thai with my closest friends. That’s honestly all I wanted.

I miss dressing up and being around people so much I didn’t even realize how extroverted I was until this damn lockdown started. My favorite thing in the entire world is dressing up and leaving the house with absolutely no agenda. Driving to a million and one different places with my best friends by my side while singing the same 10 songs at the top of our lungs we’ve worn out over the years is just priceless. I would get lost in every city and flirt my way to new friendships and connections…I miss that confident SOB I used to be. I would do my hair, wear my favorite pair of earrings, and even strut around The Body Shop like a confident queen if I was in the mood. I love my job so much that it was sufficient to do just that. Giving customers facials and makeovers, and seeing them transition in front of my eyes is so rewarding. How their skin and smiles would glow as we talked about the weather or stupid things meant more to me than I let on. I miss making people feel happy. It will never be the same thanks to that bitch Rona…

Currently, my roommate and I are in the process of finding a new apartment to live in before the 24th and have already gotten rejected from a property we were really interested in so the time crunch is real. I feel like the stress of school is enough but now my future is completely put on hold because of COVID and moving during this uncertain time is the icing on the cake of bullshit we have to swallow. My plan was to start beauty school right after I graduated from CSULB but everything is just put on the backburner because who the fuck is going to go to beauty school right now with the risks of this pandemic.

I am sitting here writing this long-ass post because I needed to reflect and get a bunch off my chest. I appreciate those who have known what I am dealing with and are being patient with me throughout this journey. I love you from the bottom of my heart.

I will end on a positive note that Ramadan is upon us and I have been trying so hard to use this time and connect/reflect on the blessings that I am currently receiving like mending my relationship with my mother and being able to enjoy family dinners for what feels like to be the first time in my entire life. It’s really nice to have family around, even if they get on your nerves constantly about doing homework for them or filing their taxes. I am a daughter to an Afghan immigrant, it’s just my job to do important shit I don’t want to do. I am starting to be thankful for this time more and more every day. iA the rest of 2020 will be better and everything I am stressing over will be okay. I trust in God’s plans for me so the best I can do is keep on keeping on I guess. Everything happens for a reason.

TOODALOO JW

#deepthoughts #depression #covid #journal #feelings #coronavirus #anxiety #stress #eatingdisorders #Mentalhealth #lifestyle

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