• Jamila Wardak

Nighttime thoughts

Updated: May 14, 2020

Hey everyone, I’m going to dive right into a topic that has been bothering me a bit more than usual today, sexual abuse. Every single girl I have gotten to know has their own story that involves some type of abuse including sexual abuse & rape. There are so many women out there like me who have gone though this and haven’t been able to say anything to anyone for a whole bunch of reasons. 1. They are afraid of the judgment 2. They are sacred that no one will believe them or think it’s all a lie (the worst is when they think you’re lying to get attention) 3. No one wants to be “that girl” or “that guy” who has “problems” 4. The moment you start talking about it..Its real. Personally, I am scared of what people will think of me when I share my story. Not just about rape but other things that I’ve gone through but honestly its been sitting on my chest for a while now..and I’m done hiding it. I don’t give a fuck anymore and I think its important that others are aware that this is a serious issue that affects sooooo many people. Earlier I said that every girl I’ve gotten to know has a go through this shit too..a lot more than you think. I just have more female friends than male (just to clarify).

The story of my first kiss was sad and scary. Tbh I don’t even remember how old I was exactly because every time I go through certain traumatizing events..I don’t think about it. I push it to the back of my mind..and hellllla days later I look back and realize how it really affected me. Anywho…My mom wanted to go to Costco to pick up a new fridge for the restaurant we used to own in Concord. She didn’t have a large enough car so she asked one of our “family friends” to come with us so that we had a way to transport it back to the restaurant. I wanted to spend more time with my mom so I decided to come with her to pick it up. I have always loved going out with her so I thought this would be fun. The whole ride there was fun. He was a funny guy who knew a lot of jokes. I remember my mom laughing and smiling, I felt that she trusted him so I did too. My mom told me to wait in the car with this “family friend” while she went inside to pick it up. She was gonna find someone bring the fridge to the car. He told me to come sit in the front with him and I listened. About two minutes after she had left…this guy took out a cigarette, put it in-between his chapped lips and began to light it. Now that I think about it, he had a “pornstache” mustache from OITNB. Super thick hair on his upper lip. He took a puff of the cigarette while I stared at him. I hated the smell of cigarettes so I was mad that he lit it in the car but I couldn’t really say anything because he was an adult and I felt intimidated. He noticed me staring at him and he returned the gaze. Except his eyes wandered. He examined my body, then he looked straight into my eyes and then my lips. He told me how beautiful I was and put his hand on my thigh, then grabbed my face and forcefully kissed me. I felt his tongue. Almost instantly I pushed him away from me, unlocked the door and jumped out of the car. I started spitting and coughing and wanted to throw up so that I wouldn’t have the taste of cigarettes and old man in my mouth. I remember thinking how his mustache felt strange, like a caterpillar on my face. He opened the door to stand outside and finish smoking his cigarette. I was on the other side of the truck, rummaging through my Powerpuff girls bag for a stick of gum. He must have seen my mom coming back because he hopped back into the drivers seat super fast. I was still outside. I wanted to cry and breakdown right then and there but I didn’t know how to process any of it. They got the fridge into the back of the truck as I stood outside the car with a blank stare on my face. I didn’t say a word, I just kept spitting. The truck only had space in the front so I managed to squeeze in next to my mom on the way back. I kept my head down and sat there quietly until we got back.

When I finally had the courage to tell my mom the first thing she said was  “are you sure?” and that “he doesn’t seem like the type” but then she saw how much pain I was in because of it and how hard it was for me to tell her about it in the first place she promised me that I would never have to see him again. Its just crazy how my first kiss was with this old Afghan guy I haven’t seen again since that day. I wonder if he remembers me


#writing #private #society #abuse #journal #childabuse #reflection #feelings #humor #childhood #advice #relationships #personal #firstkiss #marketing #love #thoughts #life #respect #inspiration #Sex #rape #kiss #lifestyle

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